Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.