ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Drunk is a universal language darling
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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