And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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