Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
