First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it glows. i had to have it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
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Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
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If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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