Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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