So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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