The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
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