and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Houston, we have a blender
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
