I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
