I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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