you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
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Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
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How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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