how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
