The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
