i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
