i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Can Purell be used as lube?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
So I just went to clothing optional bar
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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