get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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