walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
