Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
