The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
