you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
