I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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