I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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