dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
