On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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