we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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