I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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