I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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