I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
