this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
