I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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