I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
