...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
