how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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