I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
