my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
