If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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