I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
