I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
