I wish my penis had an off switch
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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