I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
