i would punch a child for taco bell
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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