Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
