My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
