I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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