My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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