It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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