Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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