Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
