i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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