Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
