I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
