I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
