There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
