Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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