I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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