i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
