happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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