Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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