No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
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As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
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At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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